Every time I was in that Subaru I felt the urge to hold the hand of whoever was sitting next to me. The air was cold, the windows were foggy, and something was constantly rolling around in the back, banging metal on metal. I always felt just a little bit safer with a hand in mine, despite the confusion of the person next to me. Their mouth would become an "o" but they would continue to hold on nonetheless.

i started becoming really good friends with my brother's ex-girlfriends, but they had to be secret friendships. i would spend one night talking to one and the next watching yet another play a show. it felt like i was sneaking around except that everyone else knew but him. i felt a little bit guilty but tried not to let it get to me (or the social media, really). after all, they were happy in their new situations, and he was thousands of miles away living his dream job. anyways, these girlfriends were the only people i really got along with. they didn't ask too many questions about my bizarre personal life and were willing to drop everything and go on an adventure. i was the third wheel to new relationships more often than not, but i shrugged it off. things were still in the 'honeymoon phase'--both for the new couples and for our friendships.

after all this, though--all of the travel and the secrets and the running around--i still miss you. i saw a man today that reminded me of you, except he didn't look at me or the same way, which truly says it all.